Cookerpedia - User contributions [en-gb]

Tony

2022-03-23T00:14:26Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* About Tony */

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:pixelbeard.jpg]]
| age = a LOT younger than he appears
| gender = nostrils
| occupation = nostrils
| location = endlessly driving his car while using his phone
| height = morally lower than a snake's anus
| weight = judging from all the maccas he eats, a LOT
| affiliations = NOTHING POLITICAL
| aliases = broonthego
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/broonthego6/live/
}}

Tony is a cooker, and grifter.

== About Tony ==

Rumour has it, his birth was the result of an accident at Johnson & Johnsons' main Rogaine production facility.

Tony is an illustrious drop shipping tycoon, who enjoys threatening people with defamation lawsuits for leaving accurate reviews on his shitty Chinese products.

== Cooker Drama Hour ==

Tony, and/or his wife Linda, dropped a bombshell on February 27, 2022, accusing [[Gabe|Egg]] of beating the shit out of his girlfriend, and subsequently providing photographic evidence of the results of said incident.

This has caused a fallout between the once loving pair, though Tony has recently professed his enduring love for the scrambled egg, and a willingness to help him change, while professing his strong dislike for the actions in question. However, during a Bolivian marching powder fuelled rant, alone, the egg strongly rebuked these attempts at reconciliation.

Craig Kelly

2022-02-18T02:15:53Z

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[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[Craig-kelly-ID-pass.jpg]]
| age = 60??
| gender = Male Confoming
| occupation = Failed Furniture Salesman / Politician
| location = Wherever Clive tells him to be
| height = 5'3"
| weight = 100 tons
| affiliations = Liberal National Party and United Australia Party
| aliases = Caliphate Craig
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/
| twitter = http://www.twitter.com/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/
| telegram = idk
| website = https://uap-craigkelly.com.au/
}}
Clive's Completely Cremated Cuck

== About Craig ==
Craig Kelly was born sometime around 1963 to parents that at the time, would have put him up for adoption had they known what kind of monster they had brought into the world. After failing out of school in year 9, his parents allowed him to work for their successful furniture business, DV Kelly Pty Ltd. Craig soon put the business at risk and the company folded like the cheap folding chairs they onsold to Gerry Harvey and was wound up owing over $4 million to the Australian Taxation Office and other creditors. Kelly then thought it was a good idea to start a rival to the Australian Retailers Association to lobby Canberra for free stuff, the Southern Sydney Retailers Association failed to live up to expectations.

In 2010, at the ripe old age of 46, he was elected to the Federal seat of Hughes [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Division_of_Hughes]in south-western Sydney and became known for his frequent referrals to various standing committees for not declaring directorships in various companies and his unclear declaration of bankruptcy in relation to his family business.

Over the years, many people have challenged the legitimacy of Craig Kelly's election, and at the last two elections, the moderate (wet) faction of the NSW Liberal Party has challenged his pre-selection. In both circumstances, the Prime Minister of the day has intervened and saved his carcass from being turfed out. However, the love affair between Craig and the Liberal party has come to an end. Craig took the drastic action of leaving the LNP coalition in early 2021 to sit on the crossbench. He has since found a new master in Clive Palmer and his resurrected United Australia Party (no relation to the original UAP). He continues to offer the LNP support in the parliament regardless of his current standing.

== Beliefs ==
Craig Kelly has many different beliefs, from believing that Azerbijan holds free and fair elections, to the point they release the results the day before the election is held, to COVID-19 which is a conspiracy. Most of his theories run contrary to science, common sense and plain intelligence. None of that means anything to Craig, as he desperately runs from theory to theory battling for relevance and a Sky News After Dark position. Craig Kelly is now facing stiff competition in his seat of Huges to keep it, from both the Liberal Party itself and community grassroots organisations such as 'Hughes Deserves Better' and is unlikely to be returned.

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==

Craig was one of the first in the parliament to latch on to the insane conspiracy theories around COVID-19 and the various remedies that are purported to work. Craig Kelly has called for unfettered access to medicines such as Ivermectin and Hydroxychloriquine to be made available to the public. He has also made accusations about the virus being a Chinese made bioweapons, children wearing masks akin to torture, and that Bill Gates has made the virus and the vaccinations to cull the world's population. Craig Kelly has also hosted various podcasts, featuring the Activated Almond himself, Pete Evens, and spruiked his conspiracy theories along with his own. Kelly has been permanently banned from Facebook for breaking repeated rules about misinformation, so that must be a conspiracy to silence the truth. He famously clashed with Tanya Plibersek in the corridors of Parliament House but came off second best, another conspiracy to make him look bad. Kelly later created a stunt pile of money, for shits and giggles. This backfired on him spectacular at the first Incursion of Parliament house on Tuesday 8th of Feb when signs of it were used by online fact-checkers to sow dissent in the camp that Admiral Hood and co were paid off by the UAP with this cash. That day he also took the remarkably insane decision to sign in a confirmed member of the opposition to Australia, Ozzy Cossack

==Criminal Charges==
None that are of public record, though his bankruptcy is challenged by Craig Kelly as being just a matter of insolvency, not full-blown bankruptcy like that Rod Cullerton bloke
While not Craig himself, his Chief of Staff of his electorate office, Frank Zumbo, has been charged on sexual harassment matters, and several young female staff have complained that he inappropriately kisses or touches them.

== Personal Life ==
Craig Kelly has been known to inhale large amounts of Tim Tams, choccy milk and other fatty foods. He also has a severely disabled son, that he used as an excuse to get on the committee that oversees the NDIS system and fuck it from within, against the best interest of his own flesh and blood. Craig also recently sold his property in the electorate of Hughes and moved north to Narara a suburb on the Central Coast, well over 100kms from his former base.

==Double Agent Allegations==
None currently, but the chance of being a Chinese Agent of disruption is not beyond the realms of possibility due to his masters' deep involvement with China on matters of mining. [[File:Smells_like_fraud.jpg|thumbnail|centre|250px|if it smells like it, it probably is]]

File:Smells like fraud.jpg

2022-02-18T01:46:42Z

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Clive Palmer

2022-02-16T09:43:10Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Beliefs */

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:Cpl.jpeg]]
| age = 66
| gender = he's a big bear baby
| occupation = Collector of Moon Rocks
| location = Wherever he can fit through the door
| height = 6'0"
| weight = about the same as a small grey southern humpback whale
| affiliations = United Australia Party,Minerals Council of Australia
| aliases = Clive
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/
| twitter = http://www.twitter.com/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/
| telegram = idk
}}
Big Daddy Boss who is blatantly Buying Cookers Off

== About Clive ==
Clive Palmer was birthed from an ancient egg sometime around the occupation of Rome by the Visigoths. He has been the bain of legitimate governments since the dawn of popular democracy, showing up from time to time to either lobby for more treats for himself, get elected and have nap time in the house, or rally the barely literate into voting for him and his half baked schemes. His last trick of spending $80 million dollars and ending up with zero seats in a parliament found himself looking to come up with his next trick. At the last election he rallied the populace into thinking Labor would introduce 'death taxes' this election he has latched onto the 'Freedumb' movement and plans to rally them into not voting for anyone, but still deliver a government that will let him open his mines and ship iron, coal and whatever else he finds back to his masters in China.

== Beliefs ==
Clive's only real belief is in money. The acquisition of money, the storing of money, the using of money to get more money & Tim Tams. In fact, his whole life view could have been gleaned from the Star Trek universes resident species that only craves money, the Ferengi. Their rules of acquisition [https://memory-beta.fandom.com/wiki/Ferengi_Rules_of_Acquisition#The_Known_Ferengi_Rules_of_Acquisition] were closely modelled on Clive's life. Gene Roddenberry had modelled the Ferengi on Clive from an ideological view, George Lucas modelled Jabba the Hutt on his appearance. The original drawings for Jabba were far more slothful and slug-like, but Lucas, fearing the wrath of Clives $5 lawyers, re-did the model and it ended up with what we have today.

Today, Clive's money is being used to spruik snake oil to people in the form of politics. Clive is promising the cookers that if he is elected and his minion Craig Kelly is made Prime Minister, all their wildest dreams will come true. The truth is far more sinister, in that all he really wants is another mine, a bigger boat he can register in foreign countries and easier access to tax safe havens to hide his ill-gotten gains from the public. The poor cookers have been sold a lie, will gladly donate yet more of their money to an already wealthy person, only to have the same regime reelected into power all so Clive can get yet another billion to waste on more Tim Tams.

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==

==Criminal Charges==

== Personal Life ==
[https://cookerpedia.org/images/2/28/Palmer%2Bsleeping.jpg]

==Double Agent Allegations==

Simeon the Russian Operative Boikov

2022-02-15T11:15:35Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Political career */

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:Simeon.jpeg]]
| age = 32
| gender = Mad Alpha Male with guns. Big guns.
| occupation = Undercover Russian Operative,
| location = Western Badlands of Sydney, New South Wales
| height = 6'1"
| weight = could moonlight as a Bulgarian weightlifter on the juice quite plausibly
| affiliations = United Australia Party, Australian Cossack society, Double-Headed Eagle Society, Golden Dawn Society, Australia1
| aliases = Aussie Cossack
| instagram =
| twitter = https://twitter.com/aussiecossack
| facebook =
| telegram = idk
}}
Legit KGB Spy

== About Simeon ==
Simeon Boikov was born in 1990 to a Russian speaking household in the Sydney suburb of Cabramatta, New South Wales, Australia. His father is a Russian Orthodox Priest and Boikov cites his Russian Orthodox faith as a central part of his Cossack identity. He speaks of Russia with spiritual reverence, and says he fully supports the traditional values currently being promoted by the Russian government. His family succeeded in preserving the Russian language and raised their children to love Russia. “We never felt ourselves to be Australian, we were aliens there. I consider myself to be a Russian.”

== Beliefs ==
Aussie Cossacks radicalisation and transformation into bonafide Putin puppet and foreign operative was complete in 2008 when he undertook a period of study in the Sretensky Monastery in Moscow. The Sretensky Monastery, which is close by the headquarters of the KGB in central Moscow, is reported to have close ties to the KGB’s successors, the FSB and the SVR (Russia’s Secretive Intelligence Services). Father Tikhon Shevkunov of the Stretensky Monastery, who Simeon credits on record as his mentor and is also known amongst shady communist intelligence and terroristy circles as “Putin’s spiritual adviser.”
“One may say that while I was studying there I was, well, we must not say recruited, right? Basically, I fell under the influence of rightly thinking pro-Russian elements. They began to fashion a pro-Russian adult from a young Australian [citizen].” says Boikov.

The Australian Cossack Society is said to promote Orthodox Christian fundamentalism, “traditional values”, Islamophobia, and homophobia. Simeon has a close alliance with the Australia First Party (AFP) and the Greek Neo-Nazi group, Golden Dawn. The Australia First Party were one of the instigators of the December 2005 riot at Cronulla Beach. They have been known to instigate racist violence against Asians, Muslims, Blacks and the Gay community.

Keep taking boosters you clowns. We know that you need to take them to make your charade look real. We know they do more harm than good. How long until we give you the hot shot? We are everywhere. We will find you kooks. You will die.

Golden Dawn is known overseas for murdering refugees as well as other non-white migrants and activists in Greece. Just a month after the Hands Off Syria rally infiltrated by both AFP and The Cossack Society, Simeon Boikov and AFP leader Jim Saleam were special guests at the national conference of the Australian chapter of Golden Dawn. In 2016, Simeon Boikov attended the Australia First annual conference and was pictured with Kim Vuga – the leader of the islamaphobic, anti-immigration nationalist political party “Love Australia or Leave” and featured in the 2015 documentary “go back to where you came from”.

== Foreign and other Fashy Influence(r)s ==
Boikov has featured in Russian digital journal Vzglyad under the headline “Cossacks in Australia Speak of Supporting Russia in a ‘Hostile’ Country” Simeon said the following: “I consider myself a proponent of a strong Russian state. We’ll always support the policies of the [Russian] state, we respect very much our Commander-in-Chief, Putin. And we have a unique capacity to support Russia from within a hostile state. Even the FSB or a battalion of the Russian SAS can’t achieve that, because unlike them we are citizens of this state.”

The Aussie Cossack considers Australia to be a “hostile state”. In 2018, Mr Boikov was referring to Australia when he told a Russian media outlet that “we have a unique opportunity to support Russia from within an enemy state”. He said Cossacks in Australia could “pursue a pro-Russian position, lobby politicians and members of parliament, oppose anyone who lies about Russia, attacks Russia or imposes sanctions. Basically, they can wage an information war.” The Cossacks are well known for their suppression of protests in Russia and were one of the key pro-Russian groups fighting against Ukrainian forces in Crimea in 2014.

Simeon Boikov has close connections with the Nationalist group The Golden Dawn Society and The Australia First Party ran by one of Australia’s most prominent white supremacists Jim Saleam. Simeon Boikov and Jim Saleam have a close relationship going back years, recent sighting include an anti-lockdown protest they held together earlier this year. Also frequently present with Boikov at protests and functions is Vladimir Simonian, the president of the Night Wolves Australia motorcycle club. For the past 7 years with the help of Simeon Boikov they have been establishing a presence in Australia. The Russian arm of the club has been described as a “proxy” for the Kremlin: willing to carry out or support military operations at arms-length from the Russian government. The Russian Night Wolves club president Alexander Zaldostanov is a celebrity in Russia due to his friendship with Vladimir Putin. Mr Zaldostanov is known as “The Surgeon” due to his medical training.

As a result of their involvement in the 2014 conflict in Ukraine, which included fighting with and supporting pro-Russian separatists, the United States Treasury has placed financial sanctions on the Russian Night Wolves and Mr Zaldostanov.

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==
Boikov and his fellow Cossacks have tried to silence the local Ukrainian community, taunting parishioners and their priest outside a Ukrainian church in Sydney over the Russian military incursion into Ukraine as well as the G20 protest in Brisbane attended by Putin, a protest in Sydney for a Ukrainian activist and infiltrating Pro-Syrian rallies. When protesters marched in central Sydney over the jailing of Russia’s main opposition leader Alexey Navalny, Mr Boikov led a counter-protest. At another protest in Martin Place, Boikov implies that a Ukrainian activist is a prostitute out of work and calls them “scum”.

==Criminal Charges==
Just eight months after the MH17 tragedy, which killed 38 Australians, Aussie Cossack travelled to Moscow - landing himself on an ASIO watchlist in the process - to visit one of the pro-Russian separatists accused of responsibility for the downing of MH17, the shady funder of Boicov's Ruski propaganda rag, old mate Igor Strelkov again. Who also turns out served with the FSB from 1998 to 2005 and has since been identified by the European Union as an officer of the Main Intelligence Directorate of the General Staff of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation, or GRU. Igor Girkin (Strelkov) is currently being tried in the Netherlands, in absentia, on murder charges related to the atrocity.

About his time in Ukraine he stated “I have fired machine guns, RPGs and even in tanks but I have never broken the laws of Australia.” Despite the fact he put a ‘call out’ for others to join him in the fighting overseas.

== Personal Life ==
Boikov ran a monthly Russian Australian Newspaper named “Russkij Rubezh” (The Russian Frontier) which according to various sources appears to be funded by an individual named Konstantin Malofeev, a figure conspicuous known in Russia as “the Orthodox oligarch”. Malofeev is best known for the role he played in the insurgency in eastern Ukraine. In April 2014, Igor Girkin Strelkov, the former head of security for one of Malofeev’s “private equity” firms, Marshall Capital Partners Ltd, crossed from Russia into Ukraine with about fifty fighters to lead the first armed assault on a Ukrainian-government entity.

The Australian Cossack society which Boikov is the head of is said to have around 150 members, and its headquarters are at the Russian Sports and Social Club at Kemps Creek, in Sydney’s west. He is also the joint founder of the Double headed eagle society in Australia formed in early 2020.It first originated in Moscow at the first congress of the “Double-Headed Eagle” society that Malofeev heads. Although the group is registered as “historical-cultural association,” its members appear to be militarised: they wear uniforms with epaulets and badges of rank, and carry out Cossack military drills.

The Bulgarian Foreign Ministry announced on Monday that Russia has withdrawn a member of its diplomatic corps in Sofia after the Bulgarian State Prosecution announced earlier that day that it was investigating him or her for spying on behalf of The Double-Headed Eagle Society. Bulgaria’s Attorney General, Sotir Tatarov, spoke about a broad scheme, involving individuals close to Kremlin leader Vladimir Putin and Russian espionage bodies, structures, and projects to influence local politics in Moscow’s favour.

== Shill Fest 2021 ==

== Political career ==
Boikov is currently running as a UAP candidate for Strathfield, NSW.

==Double Agent Allegations==
Boikov has gained a large following under the moniker “The Aussie Cossack” as a self proclaimed activist campaigning against Australia’s lockdown measures & police brutality. When in reality the Cossacks own brutal involvement in the crackdown of anti-Russian protests has been well documented.

There can be little doubt that Simeon Boikov aka The Aussie Cossack is a Russian Intelligence Operative engaged in a number of areas, including information warfare, influence operations and reporting back to the Kremlin.

Janaya Markwell

2022-02-13T23:44:48Z

Mobileinfantry100:

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:JANAYA.jpg]]
| age = 19
| gender = Female Conforming
| location = Gold Coast, Australia
| occupation = Roller Derby
| height = 4'9"
| weight = 48kg
| affiliations = Innocence
| aliases = Roller Girl, Flower Child, Rollerskates-1-actual
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/convoyrollergirl/ https://www.instagram.com/janayajanee/ https://www.instagram.com/chippynaynay/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/convoyrollergirl/
| telegram = idk
}}
J-a-n-a-y-a Markwell, also known as Roller Girl, is a simpleton, from the Gold Coast, Australia. She is the official beat reporter for the camp.

{{Quote
|No, I haven't heard of Jonestown, what's that?
|Roller Girl|Camp EPIC
}}
{{Quote
|I'm not too sure about Waco or what that's about.
|Roller Girl|Camp EPIC
}}

==About Janaya==
[[File:Thighs.PNG|thumb|left|rumour has it Janaya's thighs can crush the skull of an UN police]]
Poor little rich girl Janaya can be found rolling through the streets of camp EPIC on a set of rollerskates that cost more than her phone, spreading her infectious positivity wherever she can.

Her signature move is complete obliviousness and lack of awareness, which has resulted in her almost being kidnapped on several occasions, and considering her parents are too wealthy for her to qualify for welfare her signature financial position is broke.

== Things Janaya knows ==
* how to bat her eyelids and get other people to pay for her.
* how to BUILD #girlsarechippiestoo
* apart from that, not much apart from her favourite [[Elder Protocols of Zion|antisemitic conspiracy theories]].

== Things Janaya doesn't know ==
* Rope and Zipties in a random car are potential red flags.
* What Chloroform smells like (but it is a familiar smell)
* What Waco was
* What Jonestown was
* Why they can't just share the space with the Canberra show

Too numerous to list

== Current Status ==
[[File:Holdtheline.PNG|thumb|left|Poor Janaya is a little retarded]]
Unfortunately, the freemason's failed to send Janaya a wikipedia article about Jonestown or Waco before it was too late. Now, with all the grifter 'leaders' gone, she has become one of the defacto leaders of the poor and disenfranchised skitzoids and idiots that have been taken advantage of.

Tami Jane

2022-02-13T05:47:03Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Beliefs */

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:TAMI.png]]
| age = 32
| gender = Female Conforming
| location = Melbourne, Australia
| occupation = Anti-science "alternative medicine" grifter
| height = 5'1"
| weight = 70kg
| affiliations = unknown
| aliases = Shit Hat, Cold Sore
| instagram = idk
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/Tamijaneheals
| telegram = idk
}}
Tami Jane, AKA Shit Hat, is a sov cit, crystal/magic enthusiast, cooker and former Real Estate agent from Melbourne, Australia.

== About Tami ==

Tami Likes to wear a really shit hat, and sports a variety of cold sores, in many different liveries, and head for the hills at the first sign of the chance of getting arrested. She also claims to be moving to England, which will be interesting to see as she doesn't have any form of income.

On Saturday the 12th of February 2022, Tami stated she was going to conclude her hardcore week of activism, by having a luxury weekend away with her beau.

== Beliefs ==
* Healing crystals
* Magic
* Tunnels under parliament
* Probably collecting dream catchers
* A coward always runs away and lives to run another day
* bad makeup effectively covers coldsores
* donation moneys are for nice things.

Camp EPIC

2022-02-13T05:36:51Z

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{{Camp EPIC
| image = [File:478182b6b9c708b4034560eee65123abc05d0fd0.jpg]
| location = Canberra, ACT
| founded = February 2022
| population = 5 Billion (50,000 MCGs)
| Leader/s = Contested
}}

'''Camp EPIC''', also known as '''Camp Cooker''', '''EPIC''', '''Cookerchella''' or '''Centrelink Summer Camp''', was established in early February 2022 to house antivax refugees from all over Australia. Outside of its current occupation, Exhibition Park in Canberra’s camping facilities are set on 70 hectares of unique country surroundings only 8 minutes north of the city centre and offer:

Full amenities including:
* showers, toilets and laundry
* Powered and un-powered sites with access to water
* Quiet location
* Pet friendly
* Public transport services
* Farmers market every Saturday morning
* Large drive through grass sites for caravans and motor-homes
* Grey water and black water dump points

Exhibition Park in Canberra is home to many local and national events all year round including exhibitions, fairs and festivals.

==History==

===Early Occupation===
EPIC was picked as the Cooker Chosen Land due to it's close proximity to Parliament House, Canberra's SBS Studio and the Lifeline Book Fair. In the early days of occupation, plans for the cookers to move into EPIC were almost foiled by a traffic controller with suspected links to the Illuminati and NWO blocking off the turning lane. It was later discovered that this was part of scheduled roadworks (ordered by the Illuminati NWO Agenda 21).

The EPIC greeting party is comprised of six bogans, a girl on roller skates and a pig. All of whom clap and cheer as cars enter the settlement.

===Attempted coup d'état===
* The occupation of Camp EPIC was necessitated following a failed coup attempt led by Melbourne based Antivaxx Influencer [[Harrison McLean| Harrison "Dumb Cunt" McLean]].

* Prior to the occupation of Camp Epic, the cookers established a makeshift camp on the lawns of the Pattrick White Terrace [citation needed], adjacent to the National Library of Australia. The Dumb Cunt was an ambitious asshole. After taking over the movement's virtual infrastructure on telegram, zello and online posters, the Dumb Cunt made his moved to oust the sovcit leadership at the camp. The attempted coup was discovered and foiled by the sovcits. the Dumb Cunt and his crew were ousted from the Pattrick White Terrace camp in the evening of 3 February 2022.

* The Dumb Cunt retreated and established a secondary camp in Camp EPIC. Following the retreat, the Dumb Cunt retaliated against the sovcits by reporting to the police that the [[James Greer|Sovcit leader]] was carrying an unlicensed gun in his mobile home. This led to the police to launch an assault on the Patrick White camp and the arrest of the sovcit leader in the morning of 4 February 2022.

* After the eviction from the Patrick White Terrace by the Police forces, the sovcits had nowhere to go and drove around the ACT seeking refuge. The normies refused to take them in, while the Dumb Cunt closed the boom gates to Camp EPIC. Following the threat of another invasion by the Police Force, the Dumb Cunt finally conceded and opened the gates for the sovcits to join them at Camp EPIC.

* The Sovcits established command and control of Camp EPIC thanks to the size of its convoy and the $180,000 GFM account (which was later returned to sender). the Dumb Cunt fled Camp EPIC back to Victoria, fearing for his life. Unproven reports have indicated that the Dumb Cunt had slipped back into Camp EPIC in the evening of 11 February 2022 via an unmarked vehicle. Members of public are advised to be on a lookout for a dumb cunt looking person wearing an ugly pair of sunnies and holding a giant flagpole.

===Battle of EPIC===
''Main article: [[Battle of EPIC]]''

The '''Battle of EPIC''', also known as the '''Cooker Offensive''', is an ongoing conflict in the battlefields of EPIC Campground in Canberra, Australia; between [[Graham Hood|Admiral 'Captain Hoody' Hood]] , and [[Riccardo Bosi|General Riccardo 'Il Douche' Bosi]]. The struggle is primarily centered on whether Camp EPIC should execute politicians, or baptise them.

===Exodus from EPIC===
Hungover and tuckered out from their [[Operation Sovereign Storm|antics]] the previous day, and threatened with eviction by the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati World Bank], the Cookers began a mass exodus from EPIC on 13 February 2022.

Some intrepid Cookers, likely high on meth or something sourced from local supplier [[David Graham|Dave 'Guru']], decided it would prudent if they [https://twitter.com/CelerySorbet/status/1492484396263571458?t=jx8xTeHSA_X_anLdW9qNtw&s=19 '''blockaded the EPIC gates'''] and not let anyone leave. So proud were they of their plan, they threatened anyone listening in with physical violence.

General (ret) [[Riccardo Bosi|Riccardo Bosilini]] attempted to lead the exodus to a new campsite at the promised land of Caloola, but a UN roadblock was already waiting for them.

[[File:UnitedNations.jpeg|200px|thumb|Eviction notice from the World Bank.|none]][[File:EPICBlocker.PNG|200px|thumb|This [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy strapping young lad] certainly didn't enjoy his super secret meeting being filmed and threatened the cameraman with physical violence. His estimated height is 5'4" and allegedly, we stress only '''allegedly''', has a micropenis.|none]]

==System of Government==
At time of writing, the current leader/s of EPIC are unclear, as they change on a daily basis. Whoever holds the microphone during their nightly meeting is able to command the residents, or read bad poetry. The nightly meeting has been affectionately referred to as 'Open Mic Night'. However, it is mandatory for the speaker to claim to not be the leader, despite clearly telling people what to do. [[Graham_Hood|Captain Dementia]] popularised this during his time leading the cookers, but most of the Hall of Fame have employed this as well.

===Camp rules===
[[File:CampCookerRules.jpeg|200px|left|thumb|Official rules of Cookerchella.]]
Due to the absolutely unhinged nature of a [[Cooker|Cooker]], the camp was forced to make some rules around basic human decency:

{{Quote |
* Due to reports of 'theifts', keep your cars and tents locked at all times. If you don't have tent locks come ask for a free one at the kitchen and DO NOT leave babies or pets 'ungarded' in your locked tent or car!
* Do your poops in the designated toilets ONLY as its getting out of hand.
* Guys 'wholfwhistles' are not cool, nor is continually hitting on the yoga chicks. They didn't come here just for your male gaze.
* The pink eye outbreak is 'worsen' today and it is spreading fast. Please if your eyes are dripping gross stuff, come see the medical tent because have got herb ointments to fix. '''Remember, do not touch your eyes after you have pooped'''.
* Please wear thongs or shoes that is waterproof in the showers as we are getting lots of reports of fungus foot.
* '''Failure to 'adhear' to these rules will mean that you might [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaccination 'enjected'] from the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sty freedom camp].'''
|''Camp rules'' 
}}

==Crime==
EPIC is rife with crime with reports of syringes being found in public toilets, stolen trailers and exposed rib cages being frequent.

Although not illegal, it is thought that many unvaxxed sperms were deposited into the pure blood freedom fighters using traditional methods on a nightly basis. Thus ensuring the legacy of these idiots will continue, at least for another generation.

Due to their sense of entitlement and general lawlessness, the Cookers [https://www.canberratimes.com.au/story/7617787/canberrans-donate-to-lifeline-after-bookfair-cancelled-but-still-huge-shortfall/?cs=14264 forced the local Lifeline book fair, gladly celebrating its 50th anniversary, to have to close].

== Dog cage Glory Holes==

It is unsure when they resorted too base methods to fund this ongoing conflict. Some sources indicate fairly early on in their occupation of EPIC citing 'in the epic economy $20 dollars is literally a million dollars'. First out break of CRD's (convoy related diseases) were spotted easily on journalist faces.

Clive Palmer

2022-02-13T05:12:57Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Personal Life */

File:Palmer+sleeping.jpg

2022-02-13T05:11:42Z

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Clive Palmer

2022-02-13T04:58:13Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* About Clive */

Clive Palmer

2022-02-13T04:57:48Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* About Clive */

Craig Kelly

2022-02-13T04:14:44Z

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File:Caliphate Craig Window.webp

2022-02-13T04:08:34Z

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Craig Kelly

2022-02-13T04:06:08Z

Mobileinfantry100: First Draft of Craig Kelly's life and times

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[Craig-kelly-ID-pass.jpg]]
| age = 60??
| gender = Male Confoming
| occupation = Failed Furniture Salesman / Politician
| location = Wherever Clive tells him to be
| height = 5'3"
| weight = 100 tons
| affiliations = Liberal National Party and United Australia Party
| aliases = Caliphate Craig
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/
| twitter = http://www.twitter.com/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/
| telegram = idk
}}
Clive's Completely Cremated Cuck

== About Craig ==
Craig Kelly was born sometime around 1963 to parents that at the time, would have put him up for adoption had they known what kind of monster they had brought into the world. After failing out of school in year 9, his parents allowed him to work for their successful furniture business, DV Kelly Pty Ltd. Craig soon put the business at risk and the company folded like the cheap folding chairs they onsold to Gerry Harvey and was wound up owing over $4 million to the Australian Taxation Office and other creditors. Kelly then thought it was a good idea to start a rival to the Australian Retailers Association to lobby Canberra for free stuff, the Southern Sydney Retailers Association failed to live up to expectations.

In 2010, at the ripe old age of 46, he was elected to the Federal seat of Hughes [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Division_of_Hughes]in south-western Sydney and became known for his frequent referrals to various standing committees for not declaring directorships in various companies and his unclear declaration of bankruptcy in relation to his family business.

Over the years, many people have challenged the legitimacy of Craig Kelly's election, and at the last two elections, the moderate (wet) faction of the NSW Liberal Party has challenged his pre-selection. In both circumstances, the Prime Minister of the day has intervened and saved his carcass from being turfed out. However, the love affair between Craig and the Liberal party has come to an end. Craig took the drastic action of leaving the LNP coalition in early 2021 to sit on the crossbench. He has since found a new master in Clive Palmer and his resurrected United Australia Party (no relation to the original UAP). He continues to offer the LNP support in the parliament regardless of his current standing.

== Beliefs ==
Craig Kelly has many different beliefs, from believing that Azerbijan holds free and fair elections, to the point they release the results the day before the election is held, to COVID-19 which is a conspiracy. Most of his theories run contrary to science, common sense and plain intelligence. None of that means anything to Craig, as he desperately runs from theory to theory battling for relevance and a Sky News After Dark position. Craig Kelly is now facing stiff competition in his seat of Huges to keep it, from both the Liberal Party itself and community grassroots organisations such as 'Hughes Deserves Better' and is unlikely to be returned.

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==

Craig was one of the first in the parliament to latch on to the insane conspiracy theories around COVID-19 and the various remedies that are purported to work. Craig Kelly has called for unfettered access to medicines such as Ivermectin and Hydroxychloriquine to be made available to the public. He has also made accusations about the virus being a Chinese made bioweapons, children wearing masks akin to torture, and that Bill Gates has made the virus and the vaccinations to cull the world's population. Craig Kelly has also hosted various podcasts, featuring the Activated Almond himself, Pete Evens, and spruiked his conspiracy theories along with his own. Kelly has been permanently banned from Facebook for breaking repeated rules about misinformation, so that must be a conspiracy to silence the truth. He famously clashed with Tanya Plibersek in the corridors of Parliament House but came off second best, another conspiracy to make him look bad. Kelly later created a stunt pile of money, for shits and giggles. This backfired on him spectacular at the first Incursion of Parliament house on Tuesday 8th of Feb when signs of it were used by online fact-checkers to sow dissent in the camp that Admiral Hood and co were paid off by the UAP with this cash. That day he also took the remarkably insane decision to sign in a confirmed member of the opposition to Australia, Ozzy Cossack

==Criminal Charges==
None that are of public record, though his bankruptcy is challenged by Craig Kelly as being just a matter of insolvency, not full-blown bankruptcy like that Rod Cullerton bloke
While not Craig himself, his Chief of Staff of his electorate office, Frank Zumbo, has been charged on sexual harassment matters, and several young female staff have complained that he inappropriately kisses or touches them.

== Personal Life ==
Craig Kelly has been known to inhale large amounts of Tim Tams, choccy milk and other fatty foods. He also has a severely disabled son, that he used as an excuse to get on the committee that oversees the NDIS system and fuck it from within, against the best interest of his own flesh and blood. Craig also recently sold his property in the electorate of Hughes and moved north to Narara a suburb on the Central Coast, well over 100kms from his former base.

==Double Agent Allegations==
None currently, but the chance of being a Chinese Agent of disruption is not beyond the realms of possibility due to his masters' deep involvement with China on matters of mining.

Cookertown Declaration

2022-02-13T02:31:48Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Reactions of famous Cookers */

{{Declaration
| name = The Cookertown Declaration
| image = [[File:Declaration.png]]
| Created = 18:10pm 12 February 2022
| Ratified = 18:50pm 12 february 2022
| Location = EPIC
| Authors =
Riccardo Bossi

Guru

Joel Jammal

Graham Hood
| Signatories =
Riccardo Bossi

Guru

Joel Jammal

Graham Hood

Phil Henderson
| Purpose = To create a Sovereign Citizen Micronation

}}

== The Declaration ==

After the failure of '''[[Operation Sovereign Storm]]''' the [[Cooker Army]] returned to their garrison of EPIC with their tail between their legs for a circle-jerk and a [[cooker-doof]]. They decided the create their own sovereign nation on land -as yet found-.

* [https://clips.twitch.tv/SneakyVibrantOysterOMGScoots-Gm0nUCXsgJKwI7-p Declaration Pt 1]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/SpoopyGentleRuffBigBrother-lvedcZGWk7Vnr-G8 Declaration Pt 2]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/SolidEvilShrimpEleGiggle-QjCOzpFYy3YI8dLS Declaration Pt 3]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/GenerousInterestingCheesecakeLitty-s2PLYdzI_8bIsuUj Declaration Pt 4]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/BitterAuspiciousKiwiArsonNoSexy-sepv_aNTwdo78Xan Declaration Pt 5]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/SavageScaryOryxHeyGuys-Sfe88yT-YhVKz7fW Declaration Pt 6]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/AmusedOnerousAxeYouDontSay-uNzuW_XhTxNwR-3_ Declaration Pt 7]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/AgitatedMoldyUdonDxAbomb-XXf2nMyWAZNAKHXz Declaration Pt 8]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/FrailEvilSoybeanLitFam-tN9G3ZMWps7UBxBZ Declaration Pt 9]
* [https://clips.twitch.tv/FurryBlatantSwanFutureMan-dSipL4Iuxrii0wdl Declaration Pt 10]

== Preamble ==

The most notable message declared by Riccardo Bossi, the soon to be Cook-Pot Despot of the Micronation of Cooktopia, Captial city of [[Cookertown]] (Most notably going to include a eternally burning flame for them to watch their dreams die in).

'We will create a new nation, by the people for the people with the people, so PLEASE hand over whatever money you have'.

The preamble was met with mixed reception to begin with, but soon met with rapturous applause from the unwashed masses and the emptying of wallets. This was shortly before the soon to be leaders of this new nation retired to their individual 5 star suites in new-acton.

== The Celebration ==

What became a dance party that rivaled the Zion Dance in the Second Matrix movie (allegedly) the [[Cooker army]] retired to a lacklustre rave party they called [[Cooker doof 2022]]. There are now reports of shitty dancing and cringe boomercore mixed with 90s party tunes. This can only end with a lot of people being rooted in the back of some Holden utes. We expect the ensuing cooker baby boom to correct Australia's current demographic crisis.

== Reactions of famous Cookers ==

Janaya: I don't know what Jonestown is but I'm really keen to experience the love and beauty of this movement for myself.

Hoody: fuck that i'm going home TO ME WIFE, AND I'M GONNA CATCH A BREAM, AND TOTALLY NOT BE ADDICTED TO PORN!

Guru: I look forward to collecting camp wives, multiple wives. Polygamy is legal in Cookertown - we've re-established the L O R E not the LAW!

Shit hat: I'm looking forward to being one of Guru's many wives.

Big BUSSI: This is a GREAT development for the movement! Oh, will I stay there? hahahaha NO, are you crazy?

Fat Russian: I will inform Vladimir, he may wish to establish diplomatic relations with your new nation!

Joel: Awww man, if I can find my car I will join you

Michael Gray Grifter

2022-02-12T06:19:30Z

Mobileinfantry100:

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:Maxresdefault.jpg]]
| age = Mid-range Boomer
| gender = Big Cuddly Teddy Bear
| occupation = Former theatre director and playwright forced into employment exile by vax mandates
| location = Melbourne, Australia
| height = Smaller in real life than he looks on livestreaming
| weight = Greasy
| affiliations =
| aliases =
| instagram = idk
| twitter = https://twitter.com/Wolvestheatreco
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/michael.gray.griffith.01 https://www.facebook.com/groups/2016769821815236
| telegram = @morlep
}}
Artsy Ageing Hippie Boomer currently in anti-vax induced existential crisis

== About Michael ==

== Beliefs ==

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==
Co-host of Cafe Cooked

==Criminal Charges==
His oft-recounted and likely first and only brush with police MGG has had in his life was the time at the Shrine where he got his face smashed in by the gladiator shield of one of VicPol's PORT robocops. That robocop smashed his face in good, right into the ground, and Michael could hardly breathe and thought he was gonna die. But then the cop pulled back the pressure allowing MGG to get to his feet, and when he did MGG told the robocop facesmasher that its OK, he forgives him.

== Personal Life ==

==Double Agent Allegations==
No rumours or reports, this cooker is too high on feelgood vibes to be use to anyone

Janaya Markwell

2022-02-12T06:13:09Z

Mobileinfantry100: /* Things Janaya doesn't know */

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:JANAYA.jpg]]
| age = 19
| gender = Female Conforming
| location = Gold Coast, Australia
| occupation = Roller Derby
| height = 4'9"
| weight = 48kg
| affiliations = Innocence
| aliases = Roller Girl, Flower Child, Rollerskates-1-actual
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/convoyrollergirl/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/convoyrollergirl/
| telegram = idk
}}
J-a-n-a-y-a Markwell, also known as Roller Girl, is a simpleton, from the Gold Coast, Australia. She is the official beat reporter for the camp.

==About Janaya==
Poor little rich girl Janaya can be found rolling through the streets of camp EPIC on a set of rollerskates that cost more than her phone, spreading her infectious positivity wherever she can.

Her signature move is complete obliviousness and lack of awareness, which has resulted in her almost being kidnapped on several occasions, and considering her parents are too wealthy for her to qualify for welfare her signature financial position is broke, but that's okay because she has plenty of time left to be able to make bank by trading off her good looks.

It is obvious that Janaya has never met a full-on punk as proper, safety-pin wearing punks are used by rich girls to punish their daddys by getting those punks to punish their arses, so Janaya is using fascists to punish her daddy instead.

{{Quote
|No, I haven't heard of Jonestown, what's that?
|Roller Girl|Camp EPIC
}}
{{Quote
|I'm not too sure about Waco or what that's about.
|Roller Girl|Camp EPIC
}}

== Things Janaya knows ==
how to batter her eyelids and get other people to pay for her. apart from that, not much apart from her favourite [[Elder Protocols of Zion|antisemitic conspiracy theories]].

== Things Janaya doesn't know ==
* Rope and Zipties in a random car are potential red flags.
* What Chloroform smells like
Too numerous to list

Graham Hood

2022-02-12T04:59:10Z

Mobileinfantry100:

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image = [[File:Maskedhoody.jpg]]
| age = 72
| gender = Male Conforming
| location = Sydney, Australia
| occupation = Admiral (ret)
| height = 5'4"
| weight = 55kg
| affiliations = Freemasons, Hillsong
| aliases = Hoody, the Admiral
| instagram = idk
| facebook = https://facebook.com/grahamhoodformerpilot
| telegram = https://t.me/grahamhood
}}
Admiral (ret) Graham Archibald Theodore Hood, also known as the Admiral, is a former self confessed porn addict and freelance author, from Sydney, Australia. He has been accused of being controlled opposition and threatened to quit the protests on several occasions. Despite these continued setbacks, he is the reluctant leader of Camp Cooker (despite staying in his own private accommodation).

Never far away from a mention of God, Hoody expressed his interest in baptising people in a speech to the motley crew at Camp Cooker.

{{Quote
|“My name is Graham [...] and my struggle is pornography.”
|Graham Hood|The Hidden Battle: Breaking Free 
}}

==[[Battle of EPIC]]==
Admiral Hood is currently involved in a leadership struggle against his archnemesis and Camp Cooker Insurrectionist-in-Chief, [[Riccardo Bosi|Riccardo Bosilini]], and his sidekick 'the Guru'. Drone swarms, under the command of Admiral Hood, have allegedly conducted flyovers of Camp Cooker during Bosi's morning briefings, in order to gather intelligence. They have not been successful.

Unmarked vehicles, equipped with radiation weapons, have also been sighted near the front of Camp Cooker. It is not known whether they are acting under the orders of Admiral Hood.

==Double agent allegations==
Rumours have been heard throughout the EPIC camp that Hoody is in fact, a Hillsong plant, actively working for Scott Morrison to sow discord amongst the movement.

==Mini-mental state examination (MMSE)==
Due to incoherent rambling, this [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mini%E2%80%93Mental_State_Examination Mini Mental State Examination] has been performed during his Karnaval of Kourage tour as part of the Conn-voy to Kambrah, 2022.
{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Category
! Possible points
! Score
|-
| Orientation to time
| 5
| 2
|-
| Orientation to place
| 5
| 1
|-
| Registration
| 3
| 2
|-
| Attention and calculation
| 5
| 1
|-
| Recall
| 3
| 2
|-
| Language
| 2
| 2
|-
| Repetition
| 1
| 4*
|-
| Complex commands
| 6
| 2
|}

Several independent assessors have given him an average score of 4/1 (range 2-7) for repetition. Despite this, he has scored 16/30, which makes the diagnosis of dementia highly likely.

== Personal Life ==
[[File:HoodyBeatsPornAndWife.jpg|500px|Hoody and his wife Michelle]]

Michelle Hood saved Hoody from a crippling pornography addiction. Together, they help others to turn around their addiction. It is believed that the former pilot developed this addiction whilst a pilot for Qantas, which allowed him to travel around the world to find the most depraved and horrific pornography. Thanks to Michelle, he no longer watches pornography, but has been seen to leave multiple fire emojis (🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥) on posts by instagram thots, and leave lewd messages in their inboxes.

== Story Time with Hoody ==
Story time with Hoody is a frequent occurrence when Admiral Hood gets really fired up. He recounts stories he has read in various Peter FitzSimmons 'history' books about World War One and World War Two and unfortunately, due to his dementia, has mixed up details, events and even plot points between the two wars. Story Time with Hoody usually ends with a prayer to the ANZACS to watch over them, not realising that if any ANZAC was around to see this, he would clip Hoody over the ear and tell him to man up and get vaccinated.

Craig Kelly

2022-02-12T00:57:21Z

Mobileinfantry100:

[[Category:Cookers]]
{{CookerInfoBox
| image =
| age = 60??
| gender = Male Confoming
| occupation = Failed Furniture Salesman / Politician
| location = Wherever Clive tells him to be
| height = 5'3"
| weight = 100 tons
| affiliations = Liberal National Party and United Australia Party
| aliases = Caliphate Craig
| instagram = https://www.instagram.com/
| twitter = http://www.twitter.com/
| facebook = https://www.facebook.com/
| telegram = idk
}}
Clive's Completely Cremated Cuck

== About Craig ==

== Beliefs ==

== Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames ==

==Criminal Charges==

== Personal Life ==

==Double Agent Allegations==

Operation Sovereign Storm

2022-02-11T07:46:20Z

Mobileinfantry100:

{{CookerWar
| name = Operation Sovereign Storm
| image = [[File:IMG 20220202 215709 465.jpg]]
| conflict = Canberra Siege
| date = February 2022 – ''present'' 
| place = Canberra, ACT, Australia
| result = Planned
| side1 = Cookers
| side2 = Normal Sane People
'''Alleged support:'''

Freemasons, ASIO, AFP, ACT Police
| commanders1 =
[[Riccardo Bosi|Bosi]]

[[The Guru]]

[[Graham Hood|Admiral Hood]]

[[Phil 'Hendo' Henderson]]
| commanders2 = Normal Sane People
| forces1 = 5 million (Bosi estimate)
| forces2 = 25.69 million (Population of Sane People in Australia)
| casual1 = reality
| casual2 = None
}}
Operation Sovereign Storm is a planned incursion on Canberra, ACT, Australia on the 12th of February at 9am.
The name of the incursion was chosen by [[Riccardo Bosi]], echoing his military past.