Camp EPIC
Camp EPIC, also known as Camp Cooker, EPIC, Cookerchella or Centrelink Summer Camp, was established in early February 2022 to house antivax refugees from all over Australia. Outside of its current occupation, Exhibition Park in Canberra’s camping facilities are set on 70 hectares of unique country surroundings only 8 minutes north of the city centre and offer full amenities including:
- showers, toilets and laundry
- Powered and un-powered sites with access to water
- Quiet location
- Pet friendly
- Public transport services
- Farmers market every Saturday morning
- Large drive through grass sites for caravans and motor-homes
- Grey water and black water dump points
Exhibition Park in Canberra is home to many local and national events all year round including exhibitions, fairs and festivals.
History
Early Occupation
EPIC was picked as the Cooker Chosen Land due to it's close proximity to Parliament House, Canberra's SBS Studio and the Lifeline Book Fair. In the early days of occupation, plans for the cookers to move into EPIC were almost foiled by a traffic controller with suspected links to the Illuminati and NWO blocking off the turning lane. It was later discovered that this was part of scheduled roadworks (ordered by the Illuminati NWO Agenda 21).
The EPIC greeting party is comprised of six bogans, a girl on roller skates and a pig. All of whom clap and cheer as cars enter the settlement.
Attempted coup d'état
- The occupation of Camp EPIC was necessitated following a failed coup attempt led by Melbourne based Antivaxx Influencer Harrison "Dumb Cunt" McLean.
- Prior to the occupation of Camp Epic, the cookers established a makeshift camp on the lawns of the Pattrick White Terrace [citation needed], adjacent to the National Library of Australia. The Dumb Cunt was an ambitious asshole. After taking over the movement's virtual infrastructure on telegram, zello and online posters, the Dumb Cunt made his moved to oust the sovcit leadership at the camp. The attempted coup was discovered and foiled by the sovcits. the Dumb Cunt and his crew were ousted from the Pattrick White Terrace camp in the evening of 3 February 2022.
- The Dumb Cunt retreated and established a secondary camp in Camp EPIC. Following the retreat, the Dumb Cunt retaliated against the sovcits by reporting to the police that the Sovcit leader was carrying an unlicensed gun in his mobile home. This led to the police to launch an assault on the Patrick White camp and the arrest of the sovcit leader in the morning of 4 February 2022.
- After the eviction from the Patrick White Terrace by the Police forces, the sovcits had nowhere to go and drove around the ACT seeking refuge. The normies refused to take them in, while the Dumb Cunt closed the boom gates to Camp EPIC. Following the threat of another invasion by the Police Force, the Dumb Cunt finally conceded and opened the gates for the sovcits to join them at Camp EPIC.
- The Sovcits established command and control of Camp EPIC thanks to the size of its convoy and the $180,000 GFM account (which was later returned to sender). the Dumb Cunt fled Camp EPIC back to Victoria, fearing for his life. Unproven reports have indicated that the Dumb Cunt had slipped back into Camp EPIC in the evening of 11 February 2022 via an unmarked vehicle. Members of public are advised to be on a lookout for a dumb cunt looking person wearing an ugly pair of sunnies and holding a giant flagpole.
Battle of EPIC
Main article: Battle of EPIC
The Battle of EPIC, also known as the Cooker Offensive, is an ongoing conflict in the battlefields of EPIC Campground in Canberra, Australia; between Admiral 'Captain Hoody' Hood , and General Riccardo 'Il Douche' Bosi. The struggle is primarily centered on whether Camp EPIC should execute politicians, or baptise them.
Exodus from EPIC
Hungover and tuckered out from their antics the previous day, and threatened with eviction by the World Bank, the Cookers began a mass exodus from EPIC on 13 February 2022.
Some intrepid Cookers, likely high on meth or something sourced from local supplier Dave 'Guru', decided it would prudent if they blockaded the EPIC gates and not let anyone leave. So proud were they of their plan, they threatened anyone listening in with physical violence.
General (ret) Riccardo Bosilini attempted to lead the exodus to a new campsite at the promised land of Caloola, but a UN roadblock was already waiting for them.
Aftermath
After being evicted and attempting to bullshit their way into Caloola Farm multiple times only to be drustrated by police roadblocks, cookers attempted to settle at other campgrounds like Commonwealth Park and Cotter Campgrounds.
System of Government
At time of writing, the current leader/s of EPIC are unclear, as they change on a daily basis. Whoever holds the microphone during their nightly meeting is able to command the residents, or read bad poetry. The nightly meeting has been affectionately referred to as 'Open Mic Night'. However, it is mandatory for the speaker to claim to not be the leader, despite clearly telling people what to do. Captain Dementia popularised this during his time leading the cookers, but most of the Hall of Fame have employed this as well.
Camp rules
Due to the absolutely unhinged nature of a Cooker, the camp was forced to make some rules around basic human decency:
- Due to reports of 'theifts', keep your cars and tents locked at all times. If you don't have tent locks come ask for a free one at the kitchen and DO NOT leave babies or pets 'ungarded' in your locked tent or car!
- Do your poops in the designated toilets ONLY as its getting out of hand.
- Guys 'wholfwhistles' are not cool, nor is continually hitting on the yoga chicks. They didn't come here just for your male gaze.
- The pink eye outbreak is 'worsen' today and it is spreading fast. Please if your eyes are dripping gross stuff, come see the medical tent because we have got herb ointments to fix. Remember, do not touch your eyes after you have pooped.
- Please wear thong or shoes that is waterproof in the showers as we are getting lots of reports of fungus foot.
- Failure to 'adhear' to these rules will mean that you might get 'enjected' from the freedom camp.
— Camp rules
Crime
EPIC is rife with crime with reports of syringes being found in public toilets, stolen trailers and exposed rib cages being frequent.
Although not illegal, it is thought that many unvaxxed sperms were deposited into the pure blood freedom fighters using traditional methods on a nightly basis. Thus ensuring the legacy of these idiots will continue, at least for another generation.
Due to their sense of entitlement and general lawlessness, the Cookers forced the local Lifeline book fair, gladly celebrating its 50th anniversary, to have to close.
Dog cage Glory Holes
It is unsure when they resorted too base methods to fund this ongoing conflict. Some sources indicate fairly early on in their occupation of EPIC citing 'in the epic economy $20 dollars is literally a million dollars'. First out break of CRD's (convoy related diseases) were spotted easily on journalist faces.