Cooker Open Mic Night Grand Final

Cooker Open Mic Night was an an event held in the cesspit known as Camp Epic. It followed a free-form talent show competition, which ran most of the time through the campsite.

Heats and Semi-Finals

A large percentage of the cookers had been eliminated throughout the event during the week, with three hotly contested semi-finals during the day of Sunday, February 13 2022. These semi-finals had taken place inside a shed, rather than the usual venue, which thwarted most mobile phone reception, and at least one streamer had to wash his phone repeatedly to continue the stream. At one time, several microphones were used in an unorthodox demonstration of basic microphone use.

At the completion of these semi-finals, many more cookers returned home. The timing of the final was announced by a cooker on a bicycle, using a megaphone to inform the few remaining audience members of the time and place.

Grand Final

The grand final took place from 8:30pm on Friday 13, 2022, at the main meeting area and dance floor (adjacent to the communal kitchen for the sheeple). A new introduction to the grand final was the use of a talking stick, rumoured to be a vibrator belonging to Cindy. The lineup was fierce, as was the competition.

Master of Ceremonies

Guru took up the microphone first, clearly having not heard his voice enough for the day. He started with the formal opening of the event: telling everybody what to do but denying being responsible for what anybody does, and informing the audience that if they are female or a child, it would have been best for them to leave hours ago.

Acts

• We started with a Grandpa Simpson story from a gronk whose name I missed. Apparently he told the cops to move a car last night, AND THEY DID! He cried. We all cried.
• 2 women had a communal cry because all their “brave men”, and everybody else in their camp, just ran away tonight. Apparently God is her oxygen, time for an optional prayer!

Intermission: lots of waving at the drones keeping an eye on them. Apparently waving at then is a good idea.

• Tom’s turn next, a pom in a Broncos jersey. Advertising the vet’s security offer for the vulnerable (though perhaps looking after animals would be a better choice for a veterinarian?). He can’t count either, estimating 1,000 people on the library lawn, growing quickly to 3,000 over a few days to 100,000 at least yesterday. His speech was interrupted by a request for a puffer, before he was booed off for taking too long. But he trusts the vets to get us through this.

• Shane told a heart-felt story about making god proud yesterday. He was a little nervous though.

• Nimbin man, from the Australian capital for protesting, has announced that many stoners are driving back home to bring even more stoners back soon. Perhaps they’ve run out of pot?

A public service announcement:They lost the talking stick, and also still haven’t found a Ventolin puffer for the boomer dying.

• Danni comes from Sydney. She’s had 6 children, one “got a virus, that wasn’t covid, but he almost died”. Doctors couldn’t work it out, but the infectious diseases doctors DIDN’T WEAR MASKS!! Why? Because YOU CAN’T CATCH A VIRUS!!!! They have to be injected. We then disappeared into a fully cooked religious nonsense for 10 minutes.

• High-Viz Rodney similarly believes the religious cooker nonsense, and has organised a prayer group after the open mic night.

• Shannon has had a LOT of drugs lately. So much so, he tried to talk into the Talking Stick instead of the microphone. Shoes off please to connect with the land! Apparently he got into a standoff with the police at Government House. End bitumen mandates!

• Another bucket hat recounting his time interrupting kids playing games. His family, including a brother who is a priest, told him that if he started spouting his cooker nonsense at Christmas Day, he’d be kicked out. God touched him? And I think he got kicked out of the entire family, not just a single meal.

A public service announcement: turn your phone from 5G to 4G, to stop the tracker. Guru suggested 3G instead. Funnily, the mobile phone networks will still know at least which mobile phone tower you're connected too in order to route the calls...

• A woman from Mackay rocks up (apparently the entire population of Mackay came down to Kambrah?), who has been holding the line. “The power of the people is stronger than the people in power”. It has a nice ring to it, and I think she'll do well next year.

• Ralph from Coogee next. He’s quite rugged up! He can’t think of a single place he’d rather be than in front of the gronks.

A public service announcement: Tomorrow they’re going to the high court (the pizza court?). “They reckon they can judge us?” He then proceeded to give us an address at Tharwa, “the property we are going to represent in the high court”. Rumours about attending the magistrate's court tomorrow instead were not discussed.

• Mandy doesn’t know what to say, but she has the stick, and she apparently does like to ramble -- so look out gronks! For those with mental health issues, “just hang in there” with the rest of your family. Apparently South Australia is north of Canberra? $11 in the pocket, half a tank of petrol, and she thought she’d “just wing it” to Kambrah. Dumb luck can only get you so far, I guess.

• Janine is from regional Victoria, but now renamed to Victoryland. I think this is the relief teacher from one of the semi-finals, who insisted on utter silence before her rant, though she learned that the judges did not look favourable upon this. “This is an opportunity from divine intervention”, but I think that will come from AFP rather than the sky person she believes in. She left a conference she was running to come to Kambra. Apparently everybody is already free, so I don’t know what the point of the protest was. She supported somebody called “Soul Millihen” through a High Court case, but a police prosecutor told her they didn’t have a case after watching a video. Jabs cause us to turn into robots. Then her fire-up song: “When god set us free from captivity, we were like <something>” and then everybody’s ears bled as she kept going. Hopefully there’s a soundproof cell for her at the jail…

A public service announcement: A David and Goliath renactment is happening tomorrow morning, though it is unsure which cave.

• Daniel from the Gold Coast – 4 foot tall, jockey voice. Camped at the library. Police scare him, because probably because he’s short. And angry. “Police are going to do stupid shit to us”, which I guess is one of the stupid prizes on offer for the stupid games they're about to play. Short speech, just like him.

• James from Melbourne delivers some unpublished information about 5G. Turning off the 5G still gives him a headache – even faster than 4G. One of the frequencies in 5G is weaponised, but lower powered. Wifi has a similar effect. No ground-breaking research like we'd bee promised though by the hypeman Guru.

A public service announcement: They’re going to kill us with music next. “Let the fearful flee”

• Steve is from regional Victoria. He looks a bit like an AFP plant, with his Canberra-issue puffer jacket (in summer?), but then jumped STRAIGHT into the scriptures. He scored points for memorising his lines, but aside from yelling the last bit, he didn't really go anywhere.

A public service announcement: Lost property interruption – a lady’s bag. Looks cheap, but probably full of drugs.

• Rubyvale is a little town near Emerald, Steve lives underground there digging up rocks. He drove 2,400km to get here, but can’t be fucked to drive back home tomorrow. His wife says there’s nothing on the TV about him, so he has to stay here until there is. He doesn’t give up (except he gives up on driving home). Go to Longreach, but don’t visit the Qantas museum because they caused all this.

• Mitchel from western Victoria was interrupted before he started by a short woman from the kitchen to announce that they’re not cooking breakfast tomorrow. But how good are the recyclers, and the MSM!

• Dylan brought a guitar. 3 people danced, though it started a night of terrible music and dancing with whatever drugs people had left at this stage.

Winner

Danni was crowned 2022's Cooker Open Mic Night champion, after her rousing pile of word salad. She will defend her crown at the next protest, at this stage scheduled for Saturday, 19 February 2022.