Craig Kelly
Clive's Completely Cremated Cuck
About Craig
Craig Kelly was born sometime around 1963 to parents that at the time, would have put him up for adoption had they known what kind of monster they had brought into the world. After failing out of school in year 9, his parents allowed him to work for their successful furniture business, DV Kelly Pty Ltd. Craig soon put the business at risk and the company folded like the cheap folding chairs they onsold to Gerry Harvey and was wound up owing over $4 million to the Australian Taxation Office and other creditors. Kelly then thought it was a good idea to start a rival to the Australian Retailers Association to lobby Canberra for free stuff, the Southern Sydney Retailers Association failed to live up to expectations.
In 2010, at the ripe old age of 46, he was elected to the Federal seat of Hughes [1]in south-western Sydney and became known for his frequent referrals to various standing committees for not declaring directorships in various companies and his unclear declaration of bankruptcy in relation to his family business.
Over the years, many people have challenged the legitimacy of Craig Kelly's election, and at the last two elections, the moderate (wet) faction of the NSW Liberal Party has challenged his pre-selection. In both circumstances, the Prime Minister of the day has intervened and saved his carcass from being turfed out. However, the love affair between Craig and the Liberal party has come to an end. Craig took the drastic action of leaving the LNP coalition in early 2021 to sit on the crossbench. He has since found a new master in Clive Palmer and his resurrected United Australia Party (no relation to the original UAP). He continues to offer the LNP support in the parliament regardless of his current standing.
Beliefs
Craig Kelly has many different beliefs, from believing that Azerbijan holds free and fair elections, to the point they release the results the day before the election is held, to COVID-19 which is a conspiracy. Most of his theories run contrary to science, common sense and plain intelligence. None of that means anything to Craig, as he desperately runs from theory to theory battling for relevance and a Sky News After Dark position. Craig Kelly is now facing stiff competition in his seat of Huges to keep it, from both the Liberal Party itself and community grassroots organisations such as 'Hughes Deserves Better' and is unlikely to be returned.
Cooker Influencer Cred/Claim to Fames
Craig was one of the first in the parliament to latch on to the insane conspiracy theories around COVID-19 and the various remedies that are purported to work. Craig Kelly has called for unfettered access to medicines such as Ivermectin and Hydroxychloriquine to be made available to the public. He has also made accusations about the virus being a Chinese made bioweapons, children wearing masks akin to torture, and that Bill Gates has made the virus and the vaccinations to cull the world's population. Craig Kelly has also hosted various podcasts, featuring the Activated Almond himself, Pete Evens, and spruiked his conspiracy theories along with his own. Kelly has been permanently banned from Facebook for breaking repeated rules about misinformation, so that must be a conspiracy to silence the truth. He famously clashed with Tanya Plibersek in the corridors of Parliament House but came off second best, another conspiracy to make him look bad. Kelly later created a stunt pile of money, for shits and giggles. This backfired on him spectacular at the first Incursion of Parliament house on Tuesday 8th of Feb when signs of it were used by online fact-checkers to sow dissent in the camp that Admiral Hood and co were paid off by the UAP with this cash. That day he also took the remarkably insane decision to sign in a confirmed member of the opposition to Australia, Ozzy Cossack
Criminal Charges
None that are of public record, though his bankruptcy is challenged by Craig Kelly as being just a matter of insolvency, not full-blown bankruptcy like that Rod Cullerton bloke While not Craig himself, his Chief of Staff of his electorate office, Frank Zumbo, has been charged on sexual harassment matters, and several young female staff have complained that he inappropriately kisses or touches them.
Personal Life
Craig Kelly has been known to inhale large amounts of Tim Tams, choccy milk and other fatty foods. He also has a severely disabled son, that he used as an excuse to get on the committee that oversees the NDIS system and fuck it from within, against the best interest of his own flesh and blood. Craig also recently sold his property in the electorate of Hughes and moved north to Narara a suburb on the Central Coast, well over 100kms from his former base.
Double Agent Allegations
None currently, but the chance of being a Chinese Agent of disruption is not beyond the realms of possibility due to his masters' deep involvement with China on matters of mining.
