The Battle of EPIC, also known as the Cooker Offensive, is an ongoing conflict in the battlefields of EPIC Campground in Canberra, Australia. Both sides are in a power struggle for leadership of the EPIC camp.
Drone swarms, commanded by Admiral Hood, have allegedly conducted flyovers of Camp Cooker during Bosi's morning briefings, to gather intelligence. As of yet they have failed to find any intelligence. Unmarked vehicles, equipped with radiation weapons, have also been sighted near the front of Camp Cooker. It is not known whether they are acting under the orders of Admiral Hood.
Bosilini's forces hope to achieve a total surprise honking on the morning of 12 February 2022, due to a combination of Hoodite overconfidence, preoccupation with grifter plans, and poor aerial reconnaissance due to totally unexpected bad Canberra weather.
Bosilini's initial attack may involve 5 million men, just over 1,400 utes, Toyota Hiluxes, and second-hand camo gear; 2,600 air horns; and a lot of stolen valour, as well as large numbers of other armored fighting vehicles (AFVs).
Both sides have threatened to use weaponised vaccinations.
Joel may be seen wandering the battlefield searching for his car.
The battle may be halted while the main incursion Operation Sovereign Storm is underway.
Background
After the retreat from the lawns of the National Library at the end of January 2022 and the Police directions into northern Canberra, the Cookers advanced towards EPIC more quickly than anticipated. The Cookers faced several logistical issues:
- trucks were fatigued by days of continuous honking
- fuel lines were stretched extremely thin due to lack of income and employment
- meth supplies were dangerously depleted.
Admiral Graham A. T. Hood (the Supreme Cooker Commander) and his staff chose to hold the EPIC campgrounds with the Cooked Army. The Cookers chose to defend EPIC with as few trucks as possible due to the favorable terrain (dry grassland and a rather thin road network) and limited local Canberran objectives in the area. They also had intelligence that the EPIC campground was cheap and legal to camp in. This would give them time to replenish their supply lines and establish a self-sustaining but not communist commune.
Disunity begins
While Lord Admiral Hood was attempting to ascertain mainstream support, unbeknownst to him (as he was not staying in the camp) his former ally Riccardo 'the Boss' Bosilini had sent a saboteur into the camp to pull them into a more extreme and absolutely looney tunes agenda. Enter Dave 'Guru'.
Guru and Bosilini would use the morning and afternoon camp briefings to corral the impressionable Cooker crowd towards their insurrectionist agenda, and undermine Admiral Hood at every opportunity. While Admiral Hood advocated for a simpler message aimed at ending vaccine mandates and attracting more mainstream support, Guru and Bosilini went further, advocating for the camp to storm Parliament House. Guru himself, at one protest on the lawns of Parliament House, advocated for the bombing of the building.
This division in the camp was fully on display when on Tuesday, 8 February 2022, Admiral Hood and his motley crew entered Parliament while fully masked and completely abiding by COVID-19 health mandates.
United Nations (Illuminati) intervention
On 11 February 2022, the ACT Government, under orders from the United Nations, who were under orders from the World Bank, air dropped notices around EPIC demanding that both sides immediately cease hostilities and vacate the grounds by 13 February 2022. Admiral Hood refused to recognise the authority of the World Bank, or any corporation. Bosilini laughed off the Government's threats, noting that after the weekend he'd be the Government.
Initial Bosilini assault
On 12 February 2022 at 05:30, Bosilini's forces plan to begin an assault with a massive, 90-minute honking barrage using 1,600 cars across a 5-kilometer front on Admiral Hood's troops facing the 6th Absolutely Positively Cooked Army.